walk away..

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you; let them walk. I don't want you to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you ... When people can walk away from you, let them walk." - T.D. Jakes

Some people find it so easy to walk away, to shut the door on some disappointed experience of their life. No doubt there are times that people should walk away. But far too many people in this world find walking away to be the easiest road, guarding themselves with this knowledge that there is always that back road, that well-worn path, to carry them far away when times get rough. I admit that I have often been that person, walking or running away, when life felt unbearable. But I'm proud to say that I'm no longer looking for an escape, for the easy path, for the difficulties in life to be brushed away beneath the plastic masks we all may wear. My dilemma now comes from the other side of the battle: if I am not the one walking, should I let the other walk? I've never been good at this. Unresolved conflict is not weaved into the natural fabric of my life tapestry. My instincts have always urged me forward, grasping at others' heels and searching, often desperately, for love and acceptance. I've spent a large portion of my life apologizing for things that merited no apology, begging forgiveness when I didn't honestly feel that I had done anything worthy of needing forgiveness. But apologizing and seeking forgiveness, wearing this mask, kept me safe from the unfinished business, protected from the unsettling awareness of open conflict. I used to believe that this was just part of my nature. I believed this through many years of others telling me that I should stand up more, that I should stop forgiving and forgetting so easily. The past few months have opened my eyes; I refuse to continue fighting battles that have no basis. I refuse to continue to apologize for being myself, for being honest. I refuse to continue allowing myself to be a doormat for others' anger. I do not want to fight back. I do not want to apologize simply to appease someone else. What I do want is to live my life with integrity, with strength, and with the knowledge that love and acceptance are not gifts meant to be bargained. True love and acceptance do not shut the door and walk away. The door may become weathered and in need of repairs. There may be moments when it is necessary to stand apart in order to later stand together. But if someone chooses to completely shut that door, to turn and walk away...I've chosen to let them walk.

believe in yourself

escape

I long for escape these days. I fantasize of getting up at daybreak one of these mornings and getting into my car and driving, with no set destination in mind. In the company of only a few of my most precious belongings, I want to roll the windows down and feel the wind on my face. I want to sing at the top of my lungs, songs of endings and beginnings, songs of sadness and loss and freedom and peace. I want to drive past the towering buildings and into the mountains. I want to find a place where the ground is covered in white and the silence is deafening. I want a place to read and think and write. I want to find a haven in which I can escape from the world of responsibility and deadlines and complexity.

I know this feeling well, too well. This feeling of wanting to run far away, to escape the overwhelming sensations of reality, to find solace in solitude. After knowing this feeling time and time again for so many years, I know the origin of this desperate desire. It only comes when I reach the edge. It only happens after I'm totally tired. Tired so much as if I have reached the peak of a mountain, I stand firmly on the edge, and I look down to find that there is nothing there. The beautiful vista has only been another disillusion of my mind, and I am faced with a choice. Do I turn around and climb back down the mountain, hoping that the next mountain I climb will offer the magnificence of my dreams? Or do I allow myself to fall from the edge?

So many mountains I've climbed, so many times I've reached this edge. Many times I have jumped, allowing the desolation to envelop me as I plummet into emptiness. A few times I have simply turned around and walked back down the thought mountain, building up new dreams in my head of the other mountains I shall climb. In essence, I have managed to escape, in some fashion, each time I have reached the edge. Never have I even entertained the possibility of just staying there on the edge. Never have I allowed myself to realize that should I just sit and wait, perhaps the vista I have dreamed of will roll into view.

I'm at the edge again, and I'm terrified. My instincts are to run. At moments I think I could easily turn around and have a comfortable life. Other moments are so burdened by exhaustion that the idea of jumping seems a blessing in disguise. But no matter how appealing escape seems, I have realized throughout the years (and many attempts to escape) that it is impossible to escape from oneself. And so here I am again, but this time I will sit on the edge. I will feel the wind upon my face as I sit here and I will cherish the deafening silence that surrounds me, even at this difficult juncture. I will sit, I will wait, and maybe tomorrow's sunrise will bring the view that is harbored in my soul. I will make a choice - THE choice.

I want..

I WANT…
freedom…to sing with abandon and passion…to dance like no one is watching…to paint…to draw…to write…to let go of guilt…to forgive myself and to forgive others…to greet the world with smiles each day….to make a difference…to inspire others…to find positive in every moment…to climb mountains…to read millions of books…to write a book…to find inner peace…to become okay with silence…to travel the world…to hold orphans in my lap and show them a love they have never known…to capture the beauty of the world in pictures…to become a more organized and tidy person…to push past my fears of rejection and criticism…to find my slambook that is somewhere within my stuff…to plant a garden…to learn to cook…to become a travel guide…to read all there is…to let go of anger…to become closer to God…to stop and smell the roses (or whatever kind of flowers happen to be there)…to foster my friendships…to learn to enjoy exercise…to be okay without perfectionism…to live…to laugh…to love…to want..I want!

what to write..

Each time I sit down to write, the words refuse to appear. The feelings are there, tumbling around in chaotic turmoil, but the words continue to evade me. And so, as I am desperate to write something, I am stealing this meme from a friend. Until the words can break through the barrier of pain, this is all I've got…

GRUB -OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?
Honey Mustard

What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
McD – because of some old memoirs

What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
Thriteenth Floor - Bangalore

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Rajma-Rice

What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant?
Will Gobi Manchurian qualify? Bangalore anyone?

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
olives

What do you like to put on your toast?
I rarely eat toast

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
my eyes…people are constantly asking me why they're the way they are:)

Are you right handed or left handed?
right

Do you like your smile?
yes, mostly because when you see it, you know I am happy

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
tonsils at age 10

Would you like to?
nah..

Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
definitely touch

Do you have 20/20 vision?
I think not… I've been trying to get specs since childhood, but everytime, I would hear from the eye doctor that I just don't need glasses!

What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
My Laptop maybe?

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
no, but came close a couple of times….damn

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No…I'd spend way too much time worrying about it and not enough time living

If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
I like my name, but if I had to change it, I'd change it to Ishaan for now :)

How do you express your artistic side?
I'm currently thinking of theatre, which I absolutely love! Additionally, I write (though not much these past few weeks). And is gardening considered artistic? Oh yeah, and photography on occasion… so I guess a little bit of it all!

What color do you think you look best in?
My Ma has always said I look best in sober colors…but I personally love red.

How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
I think God gets us through the best and worst of times…so depends on what He thinks:)

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
Not that I recall, though I'm sure I've probably swallowed lots of mud over the years…

If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?

absolutely not…I love the family, but that is just a completely different kind of love.

Have you ever saved someone's life?
I haven't technically saved someone's life in the sense of resuscitating someone physically, but I think I've had my own share.

Has someone ever saved yours?
There are certainly a few people in this world who have made a difference… (not that I'm suicidal, but anyhow)

DARE-OLOGY
If you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
These questions are coming at a strange time… I'd have to think about this one some more.

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
nah..

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Never!

Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Yes, but then all of you would be getting endless letters in the mail on a daily basis…that could get time-consuming.

Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
I think my parents would have a heart attack…and I love them too much, so no.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
I think I should be able to manage that.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
100% No…there is no amount of money that could convince me to kill someone. But hold on – if you're not in my good books, and have hurt someone I care for, then no amount of money can save you from me either!

Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
probably not…well I would definitely get my whole body waxed…I would do that for much less… but shaving my head is another story…give me more money (maybe $20,000) and then I'd consider shaving the head and buying lots of hats!

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
That would be really difficult…can I use laptop?

...memories..

So often it seems that memories bring with them feelings of sadness and longing for what once was. But today a surge of memories brought me not only a sense of calm remembrance, but a blissfully refreshing sense of spirit.

I was driving down the road, trying to clear my mind from the overwhelming chaos of life. Then I heard it - a song, the song. You know that one song that can lift your spirit no matter what the circumstances; that one song that makes you throw out all your fears or sadnesses with complete abandon; and makes you forget everything but the goodness and beauty in the world. It was that song for me. And I allowed myself to become lost in it; my mind drifting backwards to a time when beauty was all I allowed myself to know.

And away my mind drifted, to a world full of memories that brought with them such sheer happiness that I found myself embracing the memories and inviting even more. My mind drifting - to a place so far away, and yet so close - to an open road surrounded by mountains and hills; then the arid purity of the desert stretching for endless miles; then the warm greeting of the familiar Atlantic. What an incredible journey - one that will live on in my memories forever.

Complicated!

"Complicated"

(The first single by Avril Lavigne)

Uh huh, life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is
Cause life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is

Chill out whatcha yelling' for?
Laid back it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
you will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car
and you're talking to me one on one but you've become
Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax........
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Wonder what Avril had in mind, while she was coming out with this – sounds weird though!